Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ode to a Torturer....

For six months I've been at the mercy of a relentless tyrannical torturer.

Yes, you Dr MB.

I arrived at this secondary hospital in July, expecting to belong to a team of caring superiors who would teach me medical secrets at every corner.

Instead you educated me in how to most annoy your colleagues, how to brew evil pranks involving patient's bodily fluids and gave me a daily lesson in torture.

And in the way a victim comes to expect and almost have an affinity for their abuse, and in the way that a cat tortures it's pray before it kills it, you killed me today when you left to go back to that cold country of yours.

I'm taking comfort in the fact that I at least managed some sort of revenge over the last few months, and for this I'm very grateful.

So here's my thanks:

•Thank you for helping me save lives...and thank you for reminding me, every day, all shift that you are a hero, have a superior intellect, are the best doctor in the universe and furthermore are generally the alpha male in all situations blah blah blah blah blah.

Thank you for not letting the psych patients injure me while trying to sedate when you unintentionally/intentionally eye-gouged a poor mentally ill music professor who wanted to make me his woman and tried to capture me.
FURTHERMORE - thank you for injuring me in resus and leaving massive bruises on both my person and my ego thus injuring me irreparably for which I will probably require a few years of therapy to recover from...and then...thank you again... for referring me to the psych department on my birthday for the aforementioned therapy.

Thank you for being a walking textbook of medical knowledge...thanks for adding extra chapters to my textbooks including such gems as “Dr S's Discharge Eponymous Syndrome: very smelly vagina, 99.9% fatality” Nice. Very nice.

Thank you for looking after me when I was going through my HIV needlestick issues, thanks for then stealing my patient stickers and placing one in the logbook next to a diagnosis of: retained foreign body, ?sex toy!
Thanks also for thus inspiring my revenge, with your very own diagnosis of: ?Haemaphrodite. Vaginal Bleeding, Grade IV prolapsed rectum and dysmorphic buried penis. ( Never mess with Dr S!)

Thank you for inspiring us to eat healthily and snack only on things like lettuce and nuts...thank you for being nuts and shoving a steel bucket on my head with plaster of paris leftovers after we had a lovely chat in the POP room and then claiming that it was a beautiful home-made hat and canning yourself stupid when the sister came in and found me lying on the stretcher with the damn thing covering not only my head but also my face and shoulders so that it looked like I was being RESTRAINED by the bucket NOT adorned by it .

Thanks for dribbling water on my head while I was resting my weary head on the desk...thank you for then standing still long enough for me to deposit an entire coke bottle full of God knows what on your person and smacking you on the head with the thing when it was empty. (HA HA! I win!)

Thank you for making me coffee at the end of a long shift...and thank you for suspending me upside down and threatening to drop me on my head after I stole your coffee jar which was totally justified because you made me a prank cup consisting only of hot water and milk purely to piss me off.

Thank you for letting me hide peanuts in your shoes...thanks for still eating them when you found them and thus not wasting food. (Weirdo!)
And on the subject of peanuts, thanks for throwing them at me across the doctor’s desk and making a massive mess on the floor. Thanks also, for NOT helping me clean it up when the head sister shoved the broom in my hand and forced me to start sweeping under threat of bodily harm.

Thanks so much for being thoroughly evil and waiting until I was in resus with a smelly patient who had made a moerse foul smelling kak, and then locking me in the bloody room with her so that I could die a death by noxious fume asphyxiation while you looked on smiling and waving through the glass doors!!!!!

You're going to be terribly bored in the UK. You'd only done one chest drain in three years before you got here, and in the 14 months that you've been here you've done over a hundred...When you arrive in England, with three feet of snow to welcome you...I'm going to lie on our beautiful world-class beaches in the hot Summer's sun and think about you and laugh because I finally got the upper hand over you...

Not really.

I'll be sad.

I'll be teribly sad that my adopted sibling is gone and that there's no-one left to play with at work...


MattB said...

A response, if you please...

Your first day, I remember so well. All the new 'recruits' being led on a 2 hour (!?!) tour of the EM department by our 'chief' looking like lambs to the slaughter...ha, how I laughed thinking these poor new COSMO's, so fresh faced and innocent, they have no idea what the next 6 months have in store...BUT, wow, credit where credit it so very necessarily due, you simply took no SHIT from anyone. I was agog at how this skinny, very feminine new Doctor just pulled up her sleeves and took on whatever came her way, showing no mercy to the daily amount of crap that got thrown at her,, in response, here are my thanks:

* Thankyou for attempting to teach me Africaans...and thankyou for encouraging me to use it on certain Dr MB 'friendly' male members of staff who nearly fainted when asked 'Hoe lyk dit? Ek en jy naked!' FURTHERMORE thankyou for rescuing me on multiple occasions when confronted with drunk/high/or just plain obnoxious Capetonian's who refused to speak to me in English...and thankyou for always talking about me to the sister's in said 'non-English' then laughing hysterically with me none the wiser and slightly embarrassed at what may have been said.

* Thankyou for introducing me to your female friends...(for another blog I think...less said about it the better heh!)

* Thankyou for you continuous attempts to build my ('low low low' as you so eloquently put it) self-esteem...and thankyou for pointing out at every and any chance any tiny flaws you could identify upon my person...monthly mood issues, the very very rare occasion that I'd get a pimple, when being tired and messing up on ward'll never drop that bloody Blood Gas story!!

* Thankyou for always being game for a laugh and a constant source of amusement, admittedly mostly at your own expense courtesy of myself...and thankyou for pretending to clean my face after smearing Ulsanic all over it then allowing me to walk through the hospital bleary eyed at 5am to sign off a patient transfer, being stared at by a the Porter's and EMS as if I was an acutely psychotic patient who'd just done something very unsociable and wiped their face with the end result. Thanks, that was a real HIGHLIGHT!!

* Thankyou for giving me a million and one lifts to work when my first car broke down...and thankyou for then ridiculing me about the choice of second car I purchased, waiting in the car park just to see me try to fit my largish frame into a very petite/badly modified and totally kak vehicle and then break into hysterics when it wouldn't start.

I could go on and on as you know. And yes, being back in the UK, in the rain, the wind and snow, and the lack of clinical freedom at work I've been used too will be very hard. But, I know the real thing I'll miss, is well, the unlikeliest of true friends an Englishman in Cape Town could make...


Ketan said...

Wow! So, there is at least someone (referring to Dr. MB) who knows Dr. S is for real, and apparently seems to to know her in person. ;)

It was touching to know both sides of the stories. :)

Dr. MB, do you blog?

Take care, both of you.

MattB said...

If given more ravishing praise I think that I could conjure some effort to enable a literary following of some note (however, Dr S has been seen of late to dominate so beautifully the medical thoughts of a mad man/woman enabled to cure all ills, that it would be simply futile to try to compete). As such, I must be resigned to childish and petulant comments from true you may have noted from previous blogs!!!

Anonymous said...
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Saima said...

ahahahah hillarious!!!!

and so i conclude

all doctors are wired funnaaay!!

*ooo and applause*


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