like when your first patient of the day thinks your jeans would be just that much more interesting with their urine splashed generously down one leg. Why did he do this?
Because of prostate cancer. Prostate cancer made him do it! Poor guy, the cancer decided to push up against his urethra and cause a blockage. He couldn't pee for two days. This hurts. So I decided to help the man along and insert a catheter. But some sadistic genius shithead at the catheter packaging company decided that it's best to leave the catheter bag open when packaged. So my elation at hitting his bladder, and seeing golden yellow fluid gush into the bag, quickly evolved into nausea when I felt the warm caress of urine flow out of the open bag, down my legs and into my shoes.
It was 7am and I had to wear those steaming pee pants all day.
Sorry mommy,next time I'll listen, I promise!
Things I learned on a Thursday in the trauma unit:
- Always check that the catheter bag is closed.
- Patient's can suffer from a condition called "athletic feet". I prescribed a pair of Nike crosstrainers.
- If you have a psychiatric condition, like schizophrenia for example, do not take the treatment plan we gave you to keep the voices away, instead, treat yourself with TIK. I missed this lecture at medschool. Perhaps this works because the scary voices also get high and then the mental confusion becomes one big party?
- If you are a 5ft5, skinny male, and you want to prove that you are really hardcore, get a tattoo on your forehead that says: "If you fuck with me I will kill your wife" (with a little drawing of a hangman next to it).
- When you want to propose to a 14 year old girl, and you declare your undying love for her, and then she says no, stab her in the thigh to prove that you meant what you said. (seriously, this really happened. The guy had a ring and everything.he was serious.)