Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"and I stayed in my pee pants all day!" (Taledega nights)

Who gives a wedding on a Wednesday night? My crazy English friend having one of those "destination weddings" in Cape Town, that's who. Needless to say, it was fantastic, and I forgot all about my mom's warning that going out on a school night, and only getting four hours sleep before your ten hour trauma unit shift the next day, WILL result in horrific rectum-loosening consequences...

like when your first patient of the day thinks your jeans would be just that much more interesting with their urine splashed generously down one leg. Why did he do this?

Because of prostate cancer. Prostate cancer made him do it! Poor guy, the cancer decided to push up against his urethra and cause a blockage. He couldn't pee for two days. This hurts. So I decided to help the man along and insert a catheter. But some sadistic genius shithead at the catheter packaging company decided that it's best to leave the catheter bag open when packaged. So my elation at hitting his bladder, and seeing golden yellow fluid gush into the bag, quickly evolved into nausea when I felt the warm caress of urine flow out of the open bag, down my legs and into my shoes.

It was 7am and I had to wear those steaming pee pants all day.

Sorry mommy,next time I'll listen, I promise!

Things I learned on a Thursday in the trauma unit:

  1. Always check that the catheter bag is closed.
  2. Patient's can suffer from a condition called "athletic feet". I prescribed a pair of Nike crosstrainers.
  3. If you have a psychiatric condition, like schizophrenia for example, do not take the treatment plan we gave you to keep the voices away, instead, treat yourself with TIK. I missed this lecture at medschool. Perhaps this works because the scary voices also get high and then the mental confusion becomes one big party?
  4. If you are a 5ft5, skinny male, and you want to prove that you are really hardcore, get a tattoo on your forehead that says: "If you fuck with me I will kill your wife" (with a little drawing of a hangman next to it).
  5. When you want to propose to a 14 year old girl, and you declare your undying love for her, and then she says no, stab her in the thigh to prove that you meant what you said. (seriously, this really happened. The guy had a ring and everything.he was serious.)
Just some pearls of wisdom that they never taught us at medical school...


mishakitkat said...

Ah shame, I feel for you. Next time I suggest that you stick a fake tattoo on your face and then grab one of the hospital beds. That way everyone will think you are a patient and they will leave you alone.

Muammil said...

Good job Shahhie.

Noel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Noel said...

ENGLISH friend??? ENGLISH!!!!
wtf dude - proudly South African and alway so.... with the following exceptions of course
a)when getting a British passport - for this i mouthed my pledge of allegiance to the Queen and crossed my fingers while miming the National Anthem
b)when travelling on said British Passport - if you travel South African you need visas and people tend to look at your funny and search your bag a lot. If they do that then they almost always find the illegal stuff one might be trying to smuggle into the country. These range from Biltong to large sea shells - 9th on the list of illegal items bought into the UK after drugs, firearms and live lizards among others.
c)when in the future it might be wise to call myself Irish thanks to my new Irish husband. these times can include, but may not be limited to - when travelling to Ireland, when applying for an Irish passport with my new Irish surname and when Ireland play anyone at any sport except the Springboks.
Otherwise very proudly South African thank you very much - if i could find a tasteful place to tattoo our flag, anthem and Nelson Mandelas face anywhere on my body I would probably do so.
Love you lots, shot on the blog, it rocks - see you soon i hope!
(not Noel, the Irish husband who's name this account is registered in!)

sharkbait said...

lol... classic... esp the one about the idiot that stabbed his gf... the difference between genuis and stupidity is that genius has limits...


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