Wednesday, May 20, 2009

SNVL (Episode 2)

One should always listen to one's inner voice. ALWAYS.

Today mine was screaming - "STAY IN BED! DO NOT GO TO WORK!"

I think the staying in bed part might have to do with the benzodiazepines (valium) I took last night.

No guys, I was not having a little private drug-addicted-doctor party in my bedroom. I was suffering from two days of intractable neck muscle spasm. And everything that I tried failed.

So last resort - benzo's - which I took, in the safety of my own room, after work, with my husband around to take advantage once I'd passed out. Naughty husband.

I was still sedated this morning. Which is why he had to smack me in the head to get out of bed this and effectively shut off that clever voice in my brain that said "Stay at home".

If you've read "SNVL (episode1)" You'll know what's coming next...

It's Winter now and it was pitch black outside by the time I arrived.
The car park was empty.
The red curtain over the trauma unit window glowed a sinister crimson from the outside.
It glowed the way one would imagine a window into Hell would glow... with the flames of Satan flickering through the window panes.

I've seen this Trauma unit many times before but this morning it looked scary. I should have known there would be a demon inside waiting for me.

The demon was patient three of my morning.

Patient three was brought in by her husband, Mr G. Mr G was talking to me but it was in a dialect native to the Cape Flats. Spoken through a gap in his front teeth, this dialect was made even more difficult for me to understand. Me, who over the last five months has been WELL educated in what I like to call, Cape Flats Gam.

He kept on screaming at me in this language and pointing to his wife, and then pointing fingers in my face and being rude. So I told him to get the hell out of the unit.

I then turned my attention to the patient - his wife, Mrs G. She was dressed in three dresses one on top of the other. Nicely colour co-ordinated in shades of red and orange. She also had a green t-shirt wrapped around her head. She wore a sandal on her left foot and a slipper on her right one.

This new style of dress is commonly known in medical circles as..."Fucked in the head fashion craze for crazies".

Oh but that wasn't the most exciting thing about her.
What she was screaming at the top of her lungs was terribly exciting, and possibly some of the foulest demon-possessed putrified verbal filth...

Don't say I didn't warn you....

Me: 'Hello Mrs G - how can I help you?"

Mrs G: "Jou ma se poes, jou fokken holnaaier! Moenie vir my vir 'n poes vatie! Ek isie mal ie? Jy's mal! Jy's almal fokken mal!"

Your mother's cunt, you fucking bumfucker. Do you take me for a cunt? I'm not mad, you're mad! You're all fucking mad!

Me: Ok Mrs G. You are right. I'm mad. Why do you think you're at the hospital today? What happened at home?

Mrs G: "Ek is hier om birth te gee vir my holy babas. Ken julle nie vir my nie? Ek gaan 'n honderd holy babas uitkram! Jou poes! Jou poes! Pasop vir my! Julle ken nie vir my nie - ek dra nie eers 'n panty langsaan my poes nie! pasop jong pasop"

I'm here to give birth to the holy babies. Don't you know me? I'm going to give brith to a hundred holy babies. Your cunt! Be careful of me - I'm not even wearing a panty next to my cunt!"

ME: I..

Mrs G: Fok jou! Julle willie vir my help me. ( starts sobbing hysterically and clutching onto the sister standing next to her.) Ek willie he my pa moet vir my slat nie! Hoekom skree hy soe vir my? Hy het nie vir my lief nie.

Fuck you. You guys don't want to help me. I don't want my father to beat me. why is he shouting at me like that? He doesn't love me!

and in the next breath:

Mrs G:
Ek het baie respek vir u doctor. Baie respek.

I have lots of respect for you doctor, a lot of respect.

and in the NEXT breath:

Mrs G: Jy's a jintu! Jy wil my man naai. Ek ken vir jou - jy wys jou poes vir almal en jy soek net piel.

You're a whore, you want to fuck my man. I know you - you show your cunt to everyone and you are just looking for cock.

At which point she shot up out of the chair, lurched towards me with a fiercely clenched fist on it's way to connecting with my cheek.

But I'm quick like a ninja and dodged just in time, just as the sister grabbed her hand and surely averted a trip to the trauma unit myself.

Have I mentioned how the sisters are my bodyguards in this place?

Good God. We needed six people to hold her down while I injected lorazepam, valium and haloperidol into that one. Maybe a little bit of overkill, but - she was dangerous - and like every good ninja knows - hit them hard and hit them fast.

Back to the loch with you, Nessie!

I mean, straight to the loony house with you, lady! I did feel a little bad though - seems like all of this, like with most of the crazies, stemmed from a terrible childhood.

But anyhow...Phew! Nearly came home with a black eye today!

And that set the theme for today's trauma unit adventure - I saw seven crazies today. SEVEN that were so psychotic they needed admission.

Must be a full mooon or something. Or just Satan playing tricks on me again.


Ketan said...

You've tried chlorzoxazone or some combination thereof for muscle spasm? It's worked well for me. Also tramadol could've helped. These are just my humble opinions, though. Except of course, if you wanted to encourage someone's naughtiness ;)

And lorazepam with diazepam--both administered in the same form--or one oral/IM and the other IV? That sure must have been some double whammy for her :) What was the provisional diagnosis? Just curious. That was just her first time, or she had some experience at psychosis? We in India might have suspected atropine or related poisoning.

If I say, your post was very interesting 'as usual', would you take it as an extended compliment or sign of taking the quality of your posts for granted? :)


Geraldine said...

A hundred holy babies... that I want to see. 6 more weeks, S, six more weeks...

Anonymous said...

sounds like TIK.

Dr S. said...

Ketan: tried tramadol - tried spasmend, tried everything. Couldn't take it anymore -so took the benso's. Which worked like the bomb - and now I don't have any more neck spasms.

She had bipolar mood disorder, and was manic with psychotic features. we didn't five her all those drugs at once. Started with the IMI Valium - that was before she tried to kill me. So then we held her down and managed to give her IV Ativan and IM haloperidol.

If you comment that my posts are interesting "as usual" I would only take that in the best way possible. That's the only way I take compliments. Sometimes I'm so vain I think the criticisms are compliments and then I just say, Thank you, which usually confounds the critic.

"As usual" is simply another way of saying keep up the good work - your posts are continuing to keep me entertained. Which is a nice thing to say. So , thanks!

Gerrie: Six weeks and counting down my girl, counting down...although I'm sure then next place I'm going to will have even more crazy tales.

Anonymous:: AMAZINGLY this time it was not tik. She was a purebrewed crazie. No tik needed.

Dr S. said...

many typos! how shocking of me!

Ketan said...

@Typos: 'as usual'? Now, don't take that as compliment ;) Just joking. Your English has been very good.

Thanks for the diagnosis.

femail doc said...

Oh my, and I thought I had a bad day. People wept, and they expected more than I had time to give, but no one swung at me or cursed at me, and no one left sedated nor in shackles. So thanks for the reality check. Six more weeks indeed!

Lauren said...

Did not know about the holy babies bit! She's a seer! Should have sent her to church with the woman from the locum agency - the rantings could have been taken as tongues.

Dr S said...

Hee Lauren - your comments are funnier than m posts.


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