Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Retarded Referrals (3) V-Fib

Write! ( Yes, I'm doing that.)

I mean,

Right! ( In that authoratitive, I'm the doctor in charge, let's get this shit on the road voice)

This, my dear readers is another lesson in retardedness.

The moronic, blockheaded, boneheaded cretin-ness of this, the dimwitted,nincompoopy, pinheaded sheer stupidity of this referral, defies reason, defies logic, is as a matter of fact simply incredulous, spectacular in its stupidity, so utterly mind-blowing that my brain actually exploded all over the front room when I read it.

Please sit down before you read this:

Dear Doctor,

I have diagnosed ventricular fibrillation via Ultrasound in my consulting rooms.

Please do ECG and manage further.


Dr Retarded.

Ok just breathe.

Calm down, take a deep deep breath,

Here...have some of this sweet milky tea while I collect your grey matter off the floor and shove it back into your cranium through your nostrils using a spatula.

Yes,my darling, I know... VENTRICULAR FIBRILLATION! *insert blood curdling scream here*

V-fib ( which is what us cool kids call it) is a medical EMERGENCY.It is a sudden, lethal arrythmia characterised by twitching, fibrilliating, unco-ordinated heart muscle contractions that will kill you in seconds as there is no output of blood from the heart's ventricles to the rest of the body's vital organs.

Like the brain.

Which is why the patients I've seen with V-fib are unconscious.
Always unconscious.

This patient,totally raped of his hard-earned cash, had this v-fib medical lethal emergency "diagnosed" by Dr Retarded, and was then given a letter to bring to us, and as such, walked, fully conscious, into the front room with it.

(Makes the v-fib diganosis highly unlikely hey!)

Secondly a diagnosis of V-fib warrants immediate CPR and defibrillation (Electrical shocks delivered to the chest).

Which Dr Retarded, after making "this brilliant diagnosis" via ultrasound, did not think it necessary to do.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.


Do not pass go.

Do not collect your R200.00

Go directly to jail.


Anonymous said...

You are freaking brilliant! love from your faithful blog follower!

Aashiek said...

Brilliant! I think I'm in the company of too many doctors tho. What you said made perfect sense to me...

Anonymous said...

Don't see any reason for your repeated use of the word retarded. You lost hipster points in my book for that one.

Dr S. said...

Uhm...excuse me...Anonymous! RETARDED - is the Dr's name. Namely, Dr RETARDED!!! Why? Because, he/she most certainly is...RETARDED! Furthemore, I have not used the word RETARDED as an adjective, not even once in the entire post, save for the title - which, is in fact, the title for this series of regularly RETARDED referrals to our casualty unit, by the aforementioned Dr. RETARDED...Get it?

Do I get my hipster points back now that you've understood?

Or am I just RETARDED?


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