Friday, February 26, 2010

Show and Tell: Crabs

Doctors are like hookers, I've already explained that in earlier posts.

Doctors are also like priests, in that we are in the very privileged position of being told secrets.

(This humbles me without fail. Every time I am privy to such sacred and volatile information, I am humbled immensely.)

Totally top secret.

Makes me feel like a supercool secret government agent handling top secret state-of-the-nation information.

Like James Bond.

Oh yes!

Did you see how I did that? Are you smart enough to follow my logic?

I just proved that doctors are cool like James Bond.


Don't mind me, just got a little carried away there.

I should have warned you that my mind is usually served twisted, not stirred.

What I mean to say is this:

We are human vestibules for people's secret fears and whispered confessions...

For example, "Hi Doctor, I have crabs."

Which was how my last patient of the day introduced himself.

I was thereafter also politely introduced to the actual crabs, enshrined in a little plastic bag and thrust in my face for me to inspect.

"Hi crabs." I said.

They were dead though, suffocated I think, so they didn't return the greeting.

The recognition of crabs (pubic lice or pediculosis pubis to those in the know) is immediately followed by the feeling that one has them crawling all over one's body.

Suddenly scratching myself vigorously, I thanked him for being clever enough to bring the offending evidence in for me to scrutinize.

I do love it so when my patients play "show and tell" with me.

Reminds me of being at pre-school.

(Hey Teacher! Look what mommy got as a present from the poolboy!)


Stupidosaur said...

//For example, "Hi Doctor, I have crabs."

Here I thought of the actual meaning of 'crabs' in this post.

//I was thereafter also politely introduced to the actual crabs, enshrined in a little plastic bag and thrust in my face for me to inspect.

For a moment there I had second thoughts that a patient brought you seafood as present! And it was your little joke to put it as something gross initially. But I guess you were just being straightforward here! sigh!

Dr S. said...

Ha Ha! Stupidosaur! I wish! A nice cooler-bag full of crayfish and oysters would have gone down nicely at the end of the day...

The crabs my patient brought definitely NOT for human consumption!

Reminds me of a present a Rastafarian couple gave me once...I feel a new post comimng on...

Ketan said...

I thought you were talking of louse, weren't you?

Anyway, both Stupidosaur and I are lacto-vegetarians! :)

I gather, your patients are very good at allegory or was it your idea to call lice as crabs?

Dr S. said...

Ha! Ketan, "crabs" is street slang for pubic lice...

What do they call this affliction in India then?

Ketan said...

Well Dr. S, they are known as "joo" in many Indian languages.

Guess, more people get infested by the head louse rather than body louse in India.

†J said...

Yeah, Sometimes, when people thrust open their secrets, the sense of being someone powerful and influential sets in, but, also sets in a feeling of amazement and bewilderment - (when some unrelated stuff is being told - why the hell are we being told, man??)


Magus said...

its called 'crab louse' as well!

funny and true..Docs are dummy Gods till the time they treat the patient and listen to their woes.Any alteration to the rule and the poor doc becomes an 'inhuman killer'..


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