Thursday, July 30, 2009
Never in the history of medicine, has a secret this revolutionary been revealed.
Oh yes, dear reader, simply by following this blog you will become privy to the most highly protected top secret information regarding a world-changing medical miracle.
Are you ready?
Are you sitting down?
Do you have a paper bag to hyperventilate into?
Well get ready...this is the big reveal.....
Yes, that's right. You read that correctly! The harvesting of one person's brain to the inside of another person's skull is indeed possible!
You sound skeptical.
But my dear reader, look around you.
The proof is everywhere.
Think of your past. Think of your present. Think of people you know who are constantly behaving in stupid ways. People who are happily flaunting their idiocy in ways that leave you speechless. Think of the dumb, retarded, mind-boggling actions you have had to endure from a moron who happened to enter your life.
And so? Does it now become clear? Has the penny dropped?
These people MUST have donated their brains to science.
This is the only explanation for their brain-donor behaviours, and therefore conclusive proof that indeed, brain transplantation is taking place.
Of course, their are strict guidelines for those selected to donate their brains.
The main one being that you never used it in the first place.
There are also other reasons brains get removed from skulls. However those removals are not for tranplantation purposes, but for urgent HUMANITARIAN purposes. What I mean is that the brain is removed to prevent future generations from suffering the same afflictions.
Some of these serious afflictions are as follows:
Faecocranium - medical speak for "shit for brains".
Pneumocranium - medical speak for "air-head".
Last week I personally encountered a living brain donor.
Now I hate berating the nurses for anything. They are grossly understaffed and have terrible working conditions. But my God, this one was definitely operating with an empty cranium.
I asked this nursing sister, very nicely, to take a temperature reading on my patient who clinically felt like he was stoking a raging 40 degree fire inside his torso.
This is not unreasonable.
She told me that a request like that was impossible to follow as she did not have a thermometer. When I asked her to borrow one from her colleague, or go and get one from another ward, she simply said that it was not in the nursing guidelines and that each nurse was to use their own thermometer.
WTF lady - then where the hell is yours? When I asked her if that meant that none of the patients coming through the door would have their temperatures screened, she stared blankly at me and said, "Unfortunately that is how it will be tonight".
It became apparent then that I was conversing with a non-cerebrating individual.
The wheel was turning, but the hamster was dead.
An argument would have been in vain. Better results would have been gained by arguing with the wall.
After staring at that lazy cow of a sister's fat ass waddling slowly from patient to patient all night, I endeavoured to practice its rectal thermometer capabilities on her...
I never did get to try it out on her though.
My focus was suddenly shifted to the psych patient whose sedation was wearing off, and was at that moment then harassing another patient's mother IN FRONT OF THE SECURITY GUARD.
The security guard, although positioned in the perfect viewing spot for the pending assault, continued chewing on a string and playing with his navel.
Clearly another brain donor ripe for rectal thermometer testing.
Do you see?! What did I tell you - there are brain donors! They're everywhere!
Brain transplantation, people, it's happening!
Just remember where you read it first.