Thursday, July 30, 2009

Brain Transplantation

Never in the history of medicine, has a secret this revolutionary been revealed.

Oh yes, dear reader, simply by following this blog you will become privy to the most highly protected top secret information regarding a world-changing medical miracle.

Are you ready?
Are you sitting down?
Do you have a paper bag to hyperventilate into?

You do?

Well get ready...this is the big reveal.....


Yes, that's right. You read that correctly! The harvesting of one person's brain to the inside of another person's skull is indeed possible!

You sound skeptical.

But my dear reader, look around you.

The proof is everywhere.

Think of your past. Think of your present. Think of people you know who are constantly behaving in stupid ways. People who are happily flaunting their idiocy in ways that leave you speechless. Think of the dumb, retarded, mind-boggling actions you have had to endure from a moron who happened to enter your life.

And so? Does it now become clear? Has the penny dropped?

These people MUST have donated their brains to science.
This is the only explanation for their brain-donor behaviours, and therefore conclusive proof that indeed, brain transplantation is taking place.

Of course, their are strict guidelines for those selected to donate their brains.

The main one being that you never used it in the first place.

There are also other reasons brains get removed from skulls. However those removals are not for tranplantation purposes, but for urgent HUMANITARIAN purposes. What I mean is that the brain is removed to prevent future generations from suffering the same afflictions.
Some of these serious afflictions are as follows:
Faecocranium - medical speak for "shit for brains".
Pneumocranium - medical speak for "air-head".

Last week I personally encountered a living brain donor.
Now I hate berating the nurses for anything. They are grossly understaffed and have terrible working conditions. But my God, this one was definitely operating with an empty cranium.

I asked this nursing sister, very nicely, to take a temperature reading on my patient who clinically felt like he was stoking a raging 40 degree fire inside his torso.

This is not unreasonable.

She told me that a request like that was impossible to follow as she did not have a thermometer. When I asked her to borrow one from her colleague, or go and get one from another ward, she simply said that it was not in the nursing guidelines and that each nurse was to use their own thermometer.

WTF lady - then where the hell is yours? When I asked her if that meant that none of the patients coming through the door would have their temperatures screened, she stared blankly at me and said, "Unfortunately that is how it will be tonight".

It became apparent then that I was conversing with a non-cerebrating individual.
The wheel was turning, but the hamster was dead.

An argument would have been in vain. Better results would have been gained by arguing with the wall.

After staring at that lazy cow of a sister's fat ass waddling slowly from patient to patient all night, I endeavoured to practice its rectal thermometer capabilities on her...

I never did get to try it out on her though.
My focus was suddenly shifted to the psych patient whose sedation was wearing off, and was at that moment then harassing another patient's mother IN FRONT OF THE SECURITY GUARD.
The security guard, although positioned in the perfect viewing spot for the pending assault, continued chewing on a string and playing with his navel.
Clearly another brain donor ripe for rectal thermometer testing.

Do you see?! What did I tell you - there are brain donors! They're everywhere!

Brain transplantation, people, it's happening!

Believe it.

Just remember where you read it first.


Ketan said...

C'mon Dr. S, it's not their fault. There's a law of conservation of brain also. If God, yes, God, gave you the brain of 5 people obviously he/she *had* to deprive a few people of that liability (yes, having a brain is a liability, and not a luxury; it makes you take temperature yourself, try to protect patient's harried mother, instead of wiggling your ass, or meekly watching and secretly enjoying the harassment of the page mother; now you see who's smarter?)! You see that's why you're at such an extreme right of the bell-shaped curve of intelligence, that your intelligence literally cannot be plotted on the sheet; it just falls out of the sheet ;)

Did it occur to you that that nurse must have donated her thermometer and not the brain? :P

Do let me know when you come to know of a case of transplantation rejection! ;)

Nice post!


Ketan said...

*said mother

Stupidosaur said...

Hey where does that secret ring of brain transplanters operate?

Bribe them with a free thermometer and get them fit those two specimen with new brains!

Hey but what if they take the thermometer from you but don't keep their part of the deal? Yeah, thats a very grave and probable situation.

Maybe another offer will work. If they fit the nurse with a new brain, they get a lifetime subscription of getting their rectal temperature by that nurse absolutely free!

They can't cheat in this deal. As long as they do not fit her with a new brain, they can't make her take the temperature! Its perfect!

Laila Of Course! said...

AHAHHAHA I believe it, believe it, believe it. SO TRUE. Sometimes I wonder whether they were even born with a brain. It's horrible. oh welllll.

Be sure and pop by and leave a note!


Zee said...

you are the only person i know that will impulse-buy a thermometer. the rest of the world buys shoes, but not you. you are amazing.

Stupidosaur said...

If I delete my last comment on the previous post will you come back?

deluded said...


everytime I come here, I see a great funny post.

and then I go on to comment.

then I see the comments.

I refrain.
I'd lose to just sheer size ;)

Geraldine said...

While often sceptical of conspiracy theories, having worked in the education industry, I know that brain transplantation is simply a fact. No conspiracy, no theory, just plain FACT.

I encounter many slack jawed, vacant eyed miscreants who never should have been revived on the operating table. What I want to know is, would they be any different if they had a reverse transplant?

Dr S. said...

Ketan: ha ha haaaa! your comment made me laugh. I think that the thermometer had more computing power than her brain in the end...:)

And thank you for the intelligence compliment. Although - it's not hard to seem intelligent when surrounded by ignorance - it's all relative.

Stupidosaur: You are a funny creature too. How do stupidosaurs compute things? I read once than bronchosaurus had two brains - one in the skull and one in the tail - needing two due to their sheer massive body size!

Laila: It is true - there are cases of congenital empty craniums. But they are very rare as those types of parasites are usually recognised by the host and aborted. (oops! too harsh? Oh well...)

Zee my darling!!!!!! All I have to say is that I miss you, like, a lot.mwah!!!!

Gerri: I knew you would understand exactly what I was talking about. Having been witness to those who've been donating brain tissue from an early age....How you put up with it I don't know...

Deluded: ditto! Your blog always has some hilarious stuff gong it!

Stupidosaur said...

//How do stupidosaurs compute things?

We don't need to compute anything.
We already know all the answers!

//I read once than bronchosaurus had two brains - one in the skull and one in the tail - needing two due to their sheer massive body size!

Well, in my case it is the total opposite, or rather, could have been the total opposite

I was thinking of getting two bodies - one for the right brain and one for the left - needing two due to the sheer massive brain size!

But that never happened. My brain of sheer massive size knew (did not compute. Like I said, it knows!) that if it takes two bodies, it would need to do twice the normal person's work. So smartly knowing the lazy way out, it decided to take only one body and by further applying already known lazy ways out does only half the normal work!



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