When starting a new job, it's important to make a good impression.
There are RULES as to the way one does this.
These rules, they are COMPLEX.
They involve EVERYTHING, from the way one dresses on the first day, to learning the names of your colleagues speedily, to not allowing all one's thoughts to pass from their inception in one's insane brain to manifestation at one's luscious lips. One's new boss may have a moustache reminiscent of a 70's porn-star, but best not to mention this fact on the first day.
DO NOT forget that the most important people to befriend in a new job, are not necessarily those at the top.
The one's at the top should not be your friends - it will just be awkward on the day that you take over their jobs and assume the position of world domination.
Far better to befriend those in low places - the clerk at the front desk, the porters, the cleaning lady. These guys have been around for ages. And believe me, they know EVERYTHING, and can "organise" anything in a hurry due to their years of training in beating the system.
BE SUPER NICE TO THE NURSES. This is in fact the number one golden shiny rule of medicine. I'm not going to elaborate. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're one of those dickhead doctors who enjoy ordering the sisters around, and getting off on your own sense of superiority because there's nothing else that's cool in your life... prepare yourself for a life of hell. Nothing is worse than the retribution from a nursing sister.
DO NOT think that you can throw your weight around immediately. Be calm, be cool, be like a detective and assess the situation.
Understand, that as the new bitch, it is unfortunately up to you to be slightly subserviant, and pleasant, and willing. These are the rules...But don't worry, it won't last long - soon there will be another new bitch, upon which to inflict your initiation torture...
My initiation experience occured last week...
After the handover ward round from the off-going doctors of the day shift, to the oncoming doctor's of the night shift (me being one of them), one of the instructions was to discharge one of the patients lying in the medical holdings area.
The patient, Mrs T.Y. was suffering from a mild lung condition that did not require admission into hospital, and could thus be sent home with oral medication.
The way to find a patient in medical holdings is to look at the name on the folder lying underneath the stretcher's mattress. The body on the bed then belongs to that folder. It is pointless asking the patients what their names are, as most of them are either deaf, psychotic, delirious, confused or don't speak English...
I located Mrs T.Y.'s folder, and proceeded to examine her.
But she certainly did not look like she had a mild respiratory condition. When I asked her how she was feeling, she just stared at me blankly, and then buried her head under the blankets while mumbling incoherently to herself.
"What the hell is this?" I thought. "Why have these other idiots decided to send this lady home? Clearly she's confused! She can't go home for God's sake! That's just negligence!She needs investigations! She needs X-rays! She needs medicine!"
While seething with the injustices of this world, I placed my stethoscope on her chest to inspect her "mild lung condition"...
...at which point, the patient suddenly, and violently shot out of bed and tried to strangle me.
I'll say that again. Tried to strangle me.
Oh Yes...that's right.
Do you see what happened there?
This was NOT in fact Mrs T.Y.
Mrs TY was in the bed next to this patient.
This patient was a Mrs I'm-fucking-psychotic-and-abusing-copious-amounts-of-tik type patient.
Thanks a lot guys. Good one. Switch the folders around. Excellent joke to play on the new girl. Never mind that she might have suffered a FATAL INJURY at the hands of this mad, malevolent bitch. Hilarious. Really. Well done.
They claimed that it was a genuine mistake. But it was a little hard to believe them while they were all cackling and clutching their sides with laughter.
It's actually too brilliant a joke to have been planned...
I need to remember this one when we've got a fresh new fish to torture....