Thursday, March 19, 2009

Willie Wonkies: episode 1

Penis. dick. willy. winkie. piel. tollie. stywe stokkie.

I've seen all of them. I've probably seen more tollies than the sluttiest nymphonmaniac prostitute.

I usually, very politely, and professionally REQUEST to examine the male jiggly bits at an APPROPRIATE time during the consultation, after an APPROPRIATE penile symptom has been experienced by my patient.

I am NOT usually introduced to the penis BEFORE I say hello to the owner of said penis.

A few weeks ago, at the end of a long day, an elderly Xhosa gentleman shuffled excitedly into my consulting room. Before I could finish my standard introduction "Hello, I'll be your saviour today, how can I heal you?", the gentleman had unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants with a flourish. He was then standing proudly in front of me, arms outstretched and beaming. Beaming, in a way that could only be interpreted as a facial manifestation of "Behold! This is my glorious penis!"

I was slightly confused. There was nothing particularly spectacular about this penis. It just looked like a regular old man's penis, shrivelly and flanked on either side by a very saggy wrinkled scrotum.

"Please sir," I plead, " pull up your trousers and let's talk for a while first."
( after all, I like a little chat before I go near anyone's's only polite)

"Noooooooo Doctah!" he beams enthusiastically. "You see, I likeh the young gahls!"

English being probably his third language, his pronunciation was sightly off. I do enjoy that Xhosa accent. I couldn't do so at this consultation though, as I was distracted by this naked 60 year old Xhosa man, who was by that time excitedly slapping his penis from side to side and beckoning me to watch.

"He likes young girls?" I thought. I look like a young girl, is this some sick perverted way that old gentlemen get their rocks off? Pretending to be a patient with a penis problem so that a young lady doctor can touch their dicks?

I was too shocked to engage my three years of karate training. The man continued abusing his genitals, while I stared at him, mouth agape.

"I likeh the yung gahls Doctah! I likeh make sex with tha yung gahls. But my pinass, it does nahthing!"

"Look! You see? Look! You see?"

more enthusiastic penis slapping

" nothing is happeneeng!?"

" Why doctah? I am luckee. The yung gahls, they don't like yung man. Yung man is not good. Yung man have AIDS. They likeh old man likeh me. I say to them 'Come, come to my flat. I got a flat. I got a cah.' Then I want make sex with them but my pinass it does vokol nathing!"

That's when I understood. He has impotence. And it is severely impeding his sex life.
Now how can one be offended by a naked penis-slapping 60 year old Xhosa man after a story like that? I thought it was quite an ingenious way for him, a third language English speaker, to really drive the point home that I needed to fix his penis.

People have unbelievable faith in us medics. He had diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, was obese and was a smoker. If anyone was on a highway to impotence, it was this guy.

I felt sorry for him. In my broken Xhosa I explained to him that his diseases made his penis this way. The only thing I could do was refer him to the erectile dysfunction clinic where they would do embarrassing tests on his winkie and probably tell him that the way forward was a penile prosthesis as he would never get it up again.

Any men out there reading this? If the threat of a heart attack, stroke, kidney disease or blindness is not enough to motivate you off your ass to go to gym, eat properly and quit smoking, remember Xhosa man and remember impotence. Because I know you, young man. Soon you will be an old man, and then you will definitely be liking the "yung gahls". They, however, will not be liking you if you are :

15. 180 degrees shy of heaven

14. Performing with Flaccido Domingo

13. A few parts shy of an erector set

12. Sch-wing and a miss

11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense

10. The Null Monty

9. Disappointing Miss Daisy

8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics

7. Ascension Deficit Disorder

6. Bouncing the Check of Love

5. Less-than-Magic Johnson

4. All Doled up with nowhere to go

3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You

2. Serving boneless pork

1. Unleavened Man-Bread

( from


femail doc said...

Good story, and a good laugh. Oh the things we see behind those closed examination room doors!

Dr S. said...

I know... I'm sure all doctors have mental files full of these types of stories!

Geraldine said...

Never a dull moment, Dr S, never a dull moment...


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